Every time I open my work email after a few days away I get so overwhelmed that I do a cost-benefit analysis on immediately turning off my computer, leaving the state, changing my name and spending the rest of my days wearing a wig.
I don’t know why the wig always figures into the plan; it’s not an essential part of changing my identity. But it should still be a nice wig, I think. A statement wig.
Something that says “Hey! Hello world! Here I am!” While also saying “Hey! Be cool about it, world. I’m in hiding. Keep it under your hat, LOL.”
It’s the wig that’s laughing out loud.
I always think of Renee Zellweger when I think of the wig. I know she doesn’t wear wigs; she’s the inspiration. I’d go into the town’s one wig store and I’d say “I’d like a wig from the Renee Zellweger Collection please.”
And the cashier would say “Running from something?”
And I’d say “Nothing but the past.”
And the cashier would say “The past is a helluva thing.”
And we’d nod. And then I’d leave because I have to get back to my shift at the diner.
Just kidding, I’d be an accountant.
Just kidding. I’d write movie reviews.
Bridget Jones’s Baby: 5 stars.